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July 20th, 2017next

July 20th, 2017: This comic is inspired by... THE PLANET MARS!!

Thanks to everyone who backed my Kickstarter! I'm super stoked about the book and I can't wait to get it out there. Hooray!

– Ryan

Savage Love

Jul. 19th, 2017 04:00 am
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Posted by Dan Savage

Man's roommate is in a femdom relationship by Dan Savage

I'm a 35-year-old straight woman, recently married, and everything is great. But I have been having problems reaching orgasm. When we first started dating, I had them all the time. It was only after we got engaged that it became an issue. He is not doing anything differently, and he works hard to give me oral pleasure, last longer, and include more foreplay. He's sexy and attractive and has a great working penis. I am very aroused when we have sex, but I just can't climax. It is weird because I used to very easily, and still can when I masturbate. I have never been so in love before and I have definitely never been with a man who is so good to me. Honestly, all of my previous boyfriends did not treat me that well, but I never had a problem having orgasms. My husband is willing to do whatever it takes, but it's been almost a year since I came during vaginal intercourse! Is this just a temporary problem that will fix itself?

My Orgasms Are Now Shy

"This is a temporary problem that will fix itself," said Dr. Meredith Chivers, an associate professor of psychology at Queen's University and a world-renowned sex researcher who has done—and is still doing—groundbreaking work on female sexuality, desire, and arousal.

"And here's why it will fix itself," said Dr. Chivers. "First, MOANS has enjoyed being orgasmic with her partner and previous partners. Second, even though she's had a hiatus in orgasms through vaginal intercourse, she is able to have orgasms when masturbating. Third, she describes no concerns with becoming sexually aroused physically and mentally. Fourth, MOANS has a great relationship, has good sexual communication, and is sexually attracted to her partner. Fifth, what she's experiencing is a completely normal and expected variation in sexual functioning that probably relates to stress."

The orgasms you're not having right now—orgasms during PIV sex with your husband—the lack of which is causing you stress? Most likely the result of stress, MOANS, so stressing out about the situation will only make the problem worse.

"I wonder if the background stress of a big life change—getting married is among the top 10 most stressful life events—might be distracting or anxiety-provoking," said Dr. Chivers. "Absolutely normal if it were."

Distracting, anxiety-provoking thoughts can also make it harder to come.

"Being able to have an orgasm is about giving yourself over to pleasure in the moment," said Dr. Chivers. "Research on brain activation during orgasm suggests that a key feature is deactivation in parts of the brain associated with emotion and cognitive control. So difficulties reaching orgasm can arise from distracting, anxiety-provoking thoughts that wiggle their way in when you're really aroused, maybe on the edge, but just can't seem to make it over. They interfere with that deactivation."

Dr. Chivers's advice will be familiar to anyone with a daughter under the age of 12: Let it go.

"Let go of working toward vaginal orgasm during sex," Dr. Chivers advised. "Take vaginal orgasm off the table for at least a month—you're allowed to do other things and come other ways, just not through vaginal-penile intercourse. Instead of working toward the goal of bringing back your vaginal orgasm, enjoy being with your sexy husband and experiment with other ways of sharing pleasure, and if the vaginal orgasms don't immediately come back, oh well. There are, fortunately, many roads to Rome. Enjoy!"

My advice? Buy some stress-busting pot edibles if you're lucky enough to live in a state that has legal weed, MOANS, or make your own if you live in a suck-ass state that doesn't. And tell your husband to stop trying so hard—if his efforts are making you feel guilty, that's going to be hugely counterproductive.

But last word goes to Dr. Chivers: "If your vaginal orgasms don't return, and you're unhappy about that, consider connecting with a sex therapist in your area. In the USA, AASECT, the (AASECT.org) is a great resource for finding a therapist or counselor.”

Follow Dr. Chivers on Twitter @DrMLChivers.


I'm a straight man who recently moved in with a rich, straight friend. He sent me an e-mail before I moved in letting me know he was in a femdom relationship. He was only telling me this, he said, because I might notice "small, subtle rituals meant to reinforce [their] D/s dynamic." If it bothered me, I shouldn't move in. Finding an affordable place in Central London is hard, so I told him I didn't mind. But I do. Their many "rituals" run the gamut from the subtle to the not-so-subtle: He can't sit on the furniture without her permission, which she grants with a little nod (subtle); when he buzzes her in, he has to wait by the door on his hands and knees and kiss her feet when she enters and keep at it until she tells him to stop (NOT SUBTLE!). She's normal with me—she doesn't attempt to order me around—but these "rituals" make me uncomfortable and I worry they're getting off from my witnessing them.

Rituals Often Observed Mortifying In Extreme

His apartment, his rules—or her rules, actually. If you don't want to witness the shit your rich and submissive friend with the great apartment warned you about before you moved in, ROOMIE, you'll have to move your ass out.


I know a teenager in a theater production who is receiving inappropriate advances from an older member of the cast. Her refusals are met with aggression and threats that he'll make a scene, ruining the show for everyone. I believe that fear is causing her to follow through with things she isn't interested in or comfortable with. What advice would you have on how she gets out of this situation? She's otherwise enjoying the theater experience.

Theatrical Harassment Really Enrages Adult Torontonian

The awesome band Whitehorse invited me to Toronto to celebrate their new album, Panther in the Dollhouse, which features songs inspired by sex-workers-rights activists and—blushing—the Savage Lovecast. (Luke and Melissa and the band rehearsed and played the Savage Lovecast theme live, which was magical.) Anyway, THREAT, I answered your question during the show and I kindasorta jumped down your throat. I thought you were a member of the theater company and an eyewitness—and passive bystander—to this harassment. ("You ask what this kid can do about this," I recall saying, "but the better question is why haven't you done something about it?")

But there was nothing in your question to indicate you were an eyewitness and a passive bystander, THREAT, which I didn't realize until rereading your question after the show. Sigh. I have more time to digest the questions that appear in the column or on the podcast, and my copy editor (peace be upon her) and the tech-savvy at-risk youth live to point out a detail I may have missed or gotten wrong, prompting me to rewrite or rerecord an answer. But I'm on my own at live shows—no copy editor, no TSARY, no net—upping the odds of a screwup. My apologies, THREAT.

But even if you're not an eyewitness, THREAT, there are still a few things you can do. First, keep listening to your friend. In addition to offering her your moral support, encourage her to speak to the director of the play and the artistic director of the theater. This fucking creep needs to be fired—and if the people running the show are made aware of the situation and don't act, they need to be held accountable. A detailed Facebook post brought to the attention of the local media should do the trick. Hopefully it won't come to that, THREAT, but let me know if it does. Because I'm happy to help make that Facebook post go viral. recommended


On the Lovecast, Amanda Marcotte on Game of Thrones: savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage

ITMFA.org

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climate change comix

Jul. 16th, 2017 12:00 am
[syndicated profile] dinosaur_comics_feed
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July 16th, 2017next

July 16th, 2017: There's THREE DAYS LEFT to get WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE PUNCHES A FRIGGIN' SHARK and/or other stories! You should because it's gonna be great, in my not-at-all-biased opinion!!

– Ryan

Savage Love

Jul. 12th, 2017 04:00 am
[syndicated profile] savagelove_feed

Posted by Dan Savage

A medical student with a medical fetish worries about a conflict of interest by Dan Savage

I'm a gay medical student with a medical fetish, and I can't even open up to my therapist about this. I think the fetish started when I was young; I was once in the hospital and given a suppository for a fever. Then one time I was given a Fleet enema. I don't think the "butt stuff" turned me gay, but my fetish may stem from the aspect of being controlled. I grew up in a very conservative religious household. I've never been in a relationship, and I don't know that I could have one while hiding what turns me on. In my profession, we have to be confident and even sort of "dominant" in our roles as providers, but underneath I'm incredibly submissive. I didn't go into medicine for this reason. We have very strict professional boundaries and ethical expectations, and I have no problem with that. I expect my job to be very clinical and boring. But outside of work, I feel like my sexual desires need some kind of outlet.

Dilemma Of Conscience

"Someone can have one persona at work and another at home," said Eric the Red, a Florida nurse and a fellow medical fetishist. "DOC can be confident and dominant at work—his patients need someone confident and dominant to get them through their medical issues—and then find someone to spend his life with who brings out his submissive side and gives him the balance to make him feel like a whole person."

In other words, DOC, when you do start dating and having relationships, you're going to want to be open about your kinks. They're nothing to be ashamed of, and there's no point in hiding your sexual interests from your future partner(s). You want a sex partner who meets your needs, not one you have to hide your needs from. So long as you keep things professional at work—which shouldn't be hard, since it's being the patient and not the doctor that turns you on—you have nothing to feel conflicted about.

"The one practical problem he will encounter is that since he actually knows how to give a physical, he may have less patience with fetishists who are not medical professionals in real life and don't really know what they are doing," said Eric. "Over the years, I have trained nonprofessionals who want to play doctor to give semi-realistic physicals, insert and irrigate catheters, use sounds, and otherwise have enough technical expertise to do a medical scene that's realistic enough that I can enjoy being their patient without screaming, 'No, that's not how it's done!' He may find himself doing the same."

The good news?

"DOC won't have any trouble finding like-minded people," said Eric. "Medical fetishists are well organized online; just spend a few minutes on Google and he'll find them."


As a 56-year-old, 95-percent-straight woman, I'd like to think all y'all gay men can enjoy blowjobs without that dip in the degradation pool straight men always take. Maybe you could gaysex talk some sense into stupid straight men. On PornHub recently, I watched a fearless young woman use a dildo five ways and come at least 10 full symphony times. This new generation of women! Impressive! But then I watched an 18-year-old Russian woman with an equally beautiful black American man. She sucked away on his dick and swallowed 12 times in five minutes! I kept thinking: She's gonna get a break now? Maybe a hug? A beer, a joint, a pay raise? Something?!? Nope. She even apologized for spilling some come at one point. Now I'm SAD. It's the exact same shit I faced when I started in '73. Gaysex talk some sense into stupid straight boys! Y'all gay men do blowjobs without degradation. Tell straight men how it's done!

Really Angry Gal Is Needing Gays

There's nothing inherently demeaning about giving someone a blowjob, and plenty of people—gay, straight, bi, pan, demi, sapio, etc.—give and receive blowjobs without splashing around in the degradation pool.

That said, RAGING, gay men are just as likely as straight men to "dip in the degradation pool" when they're getting blowjobs—particularly when a blowjob is being filmed. No need to take my word for it: Head over to the gay aisle at PornHub. You'll find lots of videos where the guys giving blowjobs are degraded—called names, roughly handled, made to apologize for come spillage—and you'll be hard-pressed to find one in which the word "cocksucker" isn't tossed around. But don't feel bad for all those gay cocksuckers, RAGING: For many gay men, the taunts we feared most in high school become the dirty talk that gets us off in adulthood. As for the video you saw—a Russian interfering with an American erection—there must have been breaks that were edited out (no guy can come 12 times in five minutes), so hugs, beers, and joints may have been made available when the cameras weren't running.


I have a phone-sex kink, and I got Tinder to explore that. I tell guys it won't get physical and that I'm interested only in text play and photo swapping. I matched with a cute, kinky guy, and I have been playing with him mostly over text for about two years. The issue is that I found out recently that he's engaged. I'm pretty conflicted about this. He says that sex with her is good but vanilla and that she's unwilling to experiment. He also isn't comfortable sharing his kinks with her. I understand that some people have a hard time reconciling the dirty shit they want to do in bed with the sweet girl they want to marry, but he seems unwilling to try. Do I cut him off? Is he just doing what he has to do to make an otherwise good relationship work? Is it okay of him if she never finds out and everyone is happy?

Playing Hurtful Over Text Only?

The odds that your sext buddy's wife will never find out are slim. Spouses snoop, computers and phones get left open, a dirty message or photo intended for one person (say, you) gets sent to the wrong person (say, her). If you're not comfortable playing with someone who is deceiving his girlfriend and/or wife—if you don't want the incriminating message his wife inevitably finds to be one intended for or from you—you should end this, PHOTO.

But it is possible to continue playing/texting/sexting with a semi-clear conscience: He may be doing what he needs to do to make this relationship work; he's exploring his kinks without touching another woman; if this is cheating, it's cheating lite; etc. Whatever you ultimately decide to do, PHOTO, you should encourage this guy to open up to his fiancée about his fantasies and kinks. It's exhausting to spend your life with someone you have to hide from—exhausting and rarely successful. If he doesn't want the truth to end his marriage, he needs to tell her the truth now. Engagements are easily called off, marriages less so.


ITMFA UPDATE: We want to send tasteful ITMFA American flag lapel pins to every member of Congress! Go to ImpeachTheMotherFuckerAlready.com, select a member of Congress, and write a short note explaining why you want that motherfucker impeached! It costs $15 to send two tasteful pins—and one unmistakable message—to Congress! All proceeds benefit the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and the International Refugee Assistance Project! Help us flood Congress with ITMFA pins! recommended


On the Lovecast, trans activist Buck Angel: savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage

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